The Other Side of Envy Read online

  Several were of Lily and the other three members of her team, plus an additional male with brown hair and handsome like the others. Some photos were of the group when they were younger. They’d been together for a while.

  With the door closed behind us, even with Lily nearby, who was a stranger to me, the room felt cozy.

  I wanted a room like this one day.

  Perhaps with one of Gabriel’s murals painted on the walls without bookshelves.

  It was funny to think of it, because it was the first moment I saw a future with the boys. I thought of Kota stocking the bookshelves, of Gabriel painting, of North building the shelves, or curling up with Nathan on a sofa to read or for a nap.

  This place was a home.

  I was jealous of what she had. I swallowed back emotions and waited quietly as Lily sat down on the sofa opposite me, smiling.

  “Really,” she said. “I’m sorry about the guys. They’re very protective. I suspect you’ve got the same issues.”

  I nodded, unsure how to respond. She talked like she knew me, knew what I was going through, and yet I didn’t know anything about her.

  She curled up, bringing her feet off the floor and tucking them under a pillow. She sat forward, keeping her head level with mine as she talked. “I hope you don’t mind, but I thought this would be more comfortable. You probably have a lot of questions.”

  My mind was a jumble of nerves. I didn’t know where to start. How much could she know? She didn’t know North was there to talk to John until just now. So how could she assume?

  Her smile never faltered as she waited for me to reply. When I didn’t, she continued, pressing her fingers toward her own chest, causing the material of her sweater to press against her ample breasts. “I’m a friend,” she said softly. “If you’re here to find out how a girl in the Academy can join a dog team...”

  “I’m not in the Academy yet,” I said quickly, not wanting to give her the wrong impression. “I just learned about it a few months ago when I met the guys.”

  Lily nodded solemnly and then sat back. “Why don’t you start at the beginning?” she asked. “It’ll help me to help you.”

  My lips parted. Tell her everything? Was it safe?

  Remember, they’re Academy, I told myself. The boys had said so. North had been here seeking answers.

  The only question that remained was, would Mr. Blackbourne want me to do this? He had said trust to the Academy. Did this mean others?

  I felt no threat from Lily, though. I was more concerned about the boys and what they would think. She smiled quietly, curled up and comfortable.

  She had boys on her team. That seemed to be a hard thing to do. I needed to ask her about it, and to learn what North knew.

  I didn’t know anything about the Academy.

  The boys couldn’t tell me.

  Could she?

  “I’m…trying to join the Academy through my team,” I said.

  Her smile remained, delicate. “Start at the beginning. How did you meet them?”

  I started with meeting Kota and then the others, and then how I ended up mixed in and living with Nathan. I skimmed through parts about school and their mission, and things that had happened with Volto, Jade and Danielle. Mostly I talked about discovering what I knew about the Academy and how I was now part of a group, and how concerned we were about keeping the family together.

  While I was talking, Henry came in with a tray filled with of glasses of lemonade, a pitcher, and a plate of shortbread cookies and napkins. He entered quietly, but I clammed up. Lily told him to leave the tray. He placed it on the coffee table between us and left. Lily encouraged me to try the lemonade. I took a sip and started talking again.

  The sun dropped lower behind the trees surrounding the property, making the house appear darker than it really was. I finally got to the events of today, my discussion with Mr. Blackbourne when I mentioned my desire to join with the boys and focus on the future.

  “You have quite the history,” Lily said when I was finished. She lifted her lemonade and took a few sips from it. “It’s amazing you’ve gotten this far without anyone in other Academy groups peeking in and trying to interfere.”

  “Is that normal?” I asked quietly.

  Lily put down her glass. “Eventually, they will,” she said quietly. She looked up, glancing around the room and out the window. “Your North was right to come to us, but it’s probably better if you and I talk directly.”

  My heart beat quickly in my chest, thudding against my ribs, even as I sat still, wide-eyed and waiting. Fear threaded through me, and I worried about having made a mistake by talking with her. Maybe I’d told her too much. Would she notify the Academy ?

  “I know what you’re thinking,” Lily said, breaking through my web of fears. “You don’t want to make a wrong move. You don’t want to risk the others, their feelings, or do something that would cause the group to split up.”

  My spine straightened at her words. “Yes, that’s exactly...”

  “And you want to stay with your team,” she said. “It’ll be difficult with the Academy. It’s not common for a girl to join with a group of men.”

  I nodded in response.

  “I was like you, Sang,” she said. She closed her eyes for a long moment and turned to face me before she opened them again to focus on my eyes. “I was in an...unhappy situation. The boys saved me. Like you, I was deep inside the group, committed to them, and unable to leave. We made mistakes. If you continue along this path, I hope I can save you from a few.”

  I wanted to reply, but my mouth wouldn’t move. I’d talked for so long, finding relief in confiding in someone for an outside perspective. So I’m not weird? I’m not crazy for feeling this way? It’s okay that we try to do what they’re asking?

  She took in a deep breath and then continued. “I want you to understand, though, that it won’t be easy. And anything we discuss here will stay between us forever. We should probably exchange phone numbers, and I want you to call me whenever you need help with anything.”

  That sounded like a good idea. “What do I do?” I asked.

  “That’s up to you,” she said. “Do you want to join the Academy?”

  I nodded, enthusiastically. “If it’s possible.”

  “Oh, it is,” she said. “If they feel this strongly about you, you must be an excellent candidate.” She stood then, and walked around the couch, as quietly as a whisper. She paced behind the couch, almost on her toes, talking as she moved. “Where to start. I think your Mr. Blackbourne is correct; you need to get to know the guys individually. Find out where their hearts are. You don’t want to push them, though. From what you’ve told me, I think they might soon all realize what they’re in for.”

  “What are we in for?” I asked.

  She smiled quietly. “Do you care about them? Truly?”

  I nodded. Why was she asking? Wasn’t it obvious?

  “It’s difficult for people to understand. Normal people, that is. It’s a difficult concept.” She continued to pace slowly. She kept her hands behind her back as she did. The blond curls of her hair swept across her shoulders when she’d turn to go the opposite direction. “The Academy was reluctant to let me stay with my group. At first, they didn’t have a choice. They couldn’t pull me from the team, because I had a valuable part to play, and they were helping me with my problems. Luckily, even if I didn’t know it at the time, that gave us the time we needed to be in agreement.”

  “Because everyone on the team has to agree that you should join the Academy and be on the team?” I asked. “But it seems there’s more to it than that. Like it might be difficult, even if they all agree. That’s what I don’t understand.”

  “Have they told you about the jealousy issues?” she asked. “Has your team not explained that?”

  “Mr. Blackbourne did. He said it was if one of them wanted to date someone else, then the outside person, who couldn’t know about the Academy, would become jealous when we ne
eded time on missions together.” I’d almost forgotten that conversation, but it came to me vividly now. “How does your team handle it?”

  She paused mid-step and faced me, her eyes wide with surprise. “They don’t date anyone else. They’re with me.”

  Silence loomed between us, her eyes on me, making sure I understood.

  They’re with me.

  Her description felt like this was more than friends. Perhaps it was even closer than the family ideas that Mr. Blackbourne encouraged. They don’t date anyone else because they dated her.

  “All three?” I asked, trying to grasp her idea.

  “Four,” she said, and she motioned to the pictures on the mantel. “He’s just not here right now. Off on an Academy mission somewhere.”

  Four guys and her. “They all live with you?” I asked. It was obvious, but I wanted to simplify because I was finding it hard to grasp.

  She nodded.

  Again I was quiet, waiting for her to talk, while I suspect she was waiting for me to ask questions.

  It’s difficult for people to understand.

  Normal people.

  They weren’t normal, either.

  “Don’t think too hard on it,” she said quietly after a long moment. “Think of how you feel. You said you cared for them.”

  I nodded. I was trying to focus, but it felt like my mind had broken. I was hearing her words. I understood them. I think I expected it to be more difficult, and yet it felt like it wasn’t real at all. Like trying to read a book in your dreams. The words flow, and you understand, but you don’t, and the memories drift as you wake up.

  “I imagine they care for you,” she said, “otherwise there would have been fighting already. It’s rare for a team to get along when there’s only one girl. It’s why the Academy usually puts girls in girl teams. There’s some exceptions, like couple teams, but one girl on a team with multiple men is usually unheard of. Except for us. You might be the other exception. Eventually. If it goes that way for you.”

  I sucked in a breath, tasting old ashes from the fireplace, books, a light sweet perfume from her. There were also scents in the room I hadn’t thought to identify, but now, I recognized as mixtures of colognes. Male scents.

  Like the boys. How familiar I’d come to be surrounded their scents. I breathed them in every time I was around them, and those familiar smells comforted me, though in different ways, as each one got close.

  The possibility of a library where all the boys’ scents blended together was the idea I clung to. More than the Academy, was the idea of us together in the same spot. Lily proved to me that it was possible.

  It felt like a selfish idea somehow. Could they be happy like that?

  “The trick with Academy families,” she said, “is that the entire team needs to get along with each other.” She moved around the couch to sit again in front of me. She leaned her elbows on her knees as she talked. “That’s your goal. The boys think it has to do with them, but soon, they’ll know it’s entirely up to you.”

  I stilled, holding my breath, staring and waiting. Me. It all would fall on me. What was I supposed to do?

  As if she’d heard me, she answered. “Your team is slightly different than mine,” she said. “You might have some advantages. I can teach you what to do. Learn the things they love. Wear what they like seeing you wear. Remember their birthdays. Split your time as evenly as possible... no. That’s wrong. Some need more time than others. Some will care for you more the longer you’re away. There’s a balance somewhere. You’ll learn it. It depends on the each one.”

  “What about the Academy?” I asked. I was getting lost in her list of things to remember. “If they don’t like it, would it be better to not join at all?”

  “Join if you’d like,” she said. “Though you don’t have to. The problem is, depending on who you are, the Academy may ask, and even entice you to join them. They may offer things that you might want for your team, in exchange for you listening to their requests, like trying out other teams.”

  “Like a bribe?” I asked.

  “Of course,” she said, nodding. “They did that with me. Several times. They sent me to different girl teams, promising me that they’d trade favors and money in exchange. I thought about it for a long time. I saw it as an opportunity to better the boys, and to get out of their hair. To not be in the middle and to prevent fighting...no, that’s what they believed. The Academy. Even the thought of me leaving made them miserable. It was better for me to stay.”

  “So you said no?” I asked. “If I want to stay with my team…” Was it that simple? To listen to the Academy try to bribe me away from my team, but in the end they’d simply let me remain with them?

  “You’ll have to resist,” she said. “That was my mistake: to even consider leaving. But hopefully that won’t be yours. They’ll want to test you with another team. If you truly want to stay with your own team, you’ll have to ignore their promises. Thick and thin, you need to stay where you belong. You’ll have to find a way to prove to them you simply can’t join another team.”

  It sounded like she was asking the impossible. “I still don’t fully understand the Academy,” I said. “I don’t know a lot about it.”

  “Don’t you?” she asked. “You’ve talked with me for a good while. It seems like you know a lot about the Academy, and what you do know, you discovered on your own.”

  Did I? I tried to recall what I’d said and what I knew. “It’s a secret school, sort of,” I said, as if saying things out loud to her would point out what I knew, and where I lacked information. “They have rules. Family first. Family is a choice...” I tried to recall the others.

  She held up a slim finger and started to recite, smiling proudly as she did. “The Academy has four main rules to remember. The first, trust your family.” She held up another finger and counted off as she continued. “Two, family is a choice. Three, family first, Academy second. Four, when your family can’t be there for you, the Academy always will be.”

  My eyes started to water, especially at that last rule. The Academy always will be. A promise hanging in the air, that the Academy would look out for you even when your family couldn’t. Just like how Kota and the others looked out for me when my own real family wouldn’t. Now Lily was telling me if Kota’s team couldn’t, the Academy would.

  “I see you’re understanding,” she said, smiling and dropping her hand. “Yes, it’s what I love about the Academy, and why I can’t simply tell you to not join and stay as you are with them. The Academy helps your team and others. It’s a calling that those worthy of the Academy simply can’t ignore. If you’re eager to help out and participate, this is for you. It becomes your home, part of who you are.”

  That sounded like what I suspected the Academy of being, and why the boys went off in the middle of the night to help each other and the Academy whenever they were called on. It was why even when they had some problems with me and questions about our future, belonging to the Academy was never in question. It was a constant in their lives. It always would be. Like it or not, it would be mine, too, whether I decided to join or not. Words came back to me from Mr. Blackbourne and the others, promises they’d whispered that I’d be okay from now on. It was the promise of the Academy repeating through them.

  “There’s still much I don’t understand about it,” I said. “And they said I had to trust them in order to join.”

  “It’s partially that,” she said. “You do have to trust your team. You also have to learn as you go. It’s part of your training. It’s not just CPR classes and learning how to listen and observe. Learning our purpose comes from participating in a family and pulling together. The Academy has very few rules, and the most important ones are first.” She curled up on the couch again, grabbing a pillow and holding it to her stomach. “But I feel I can help because I’ve been through it. If you have a question, you can talk to me. I may not be able to answer if it’s an Academy question, but I can tell you what to ask
your Mr. Blackbourne or other people on your team. And I can explain what it might mean for you as a girl on the team. I’ll help where I can.”

  I nodded. That sounded good. I understood there were things they couldn’t share, but if I was to join the Academy at all, I’d have to learn. Often, my problem was I wasn’t sure if I should ask or what I could ask. Some guidance would be helpful.

  There was a knock at the door then. It opened, and the man with strawberry-blond hair poked his head in. He looked at me quickly and addressed her. “They’re getting antsy,” he said, his voice deep and scratchy. “I think they want her back.”

  “Of course they do,” she said, winking at him. I got the feeling she was toying with him. “They might not be the only ones who want someone back.”

  He frowned and closed the door behind him.

  “That’s one thing you’ll learn from the boys,” she said, sighing and tossing the pillow to the corner of the couch. “They want you within eyesight. I can barely read in here without one of them eventually coming in and sitting nearby.”

  That sounded familiar. “I haven’t had much time to myself since I’ve met them.”

  “Ask for it when you need it,” she said. “That’s another thing I had to learn. I don’t often need to now, but every once in a while, I take the car to shop or do something away from the boys. It does them good to miss you every once in a while.”

  I couldn’t imagine the boys letting me take the car alone, to shop or do anything else. “I don’t have a license,” I said quietly.

  “Let me know if you need me to take you anywhere,” she said. “And depending on where you live, you might be able to take a taxi if I’m not available.” She stood and moved to a desk that was nearby. She pulled a card from it, and then wrote on the back. “This is my cell phone number. And on the front is Henry’s number, too.” She held it out to me and I glanced down, noting the front of the card was information about some nonprofit organization.