The Other Side of Envy Read online

  “Thank you,” I said. I stood, waiting for her cue to leave.

  She watched as I rose from the couch, studying me. She nodded quietly. “This will be a long road,” she said. “But you’re not alone. Not like I was. I hope I can be of some help.”

  “I’m just not sure what to do,” I said, revealing the worry I had most often. “I don’t really know what I’m doing.”

  “I know,” she said. She lifted a hand and clasped mine that was still holding her card. “I’m here to tell you, it’s okay to love them in your own way, and in your own time. And for them to love you in return. Things may change over time. Some may move on, or come back. If they love you, they’ll always remain in your heart and nearby. It works out. It always does.”

  I was stiff as she touched me. My nerves were acting up, but I held onto the card. It felt like the key to answers. I had so many questions.

  She released me and turned toward the door. She stopped midway and then faced me again. “One thing,” she said. “Tell your Mr. Blackbourne you’re working with me. He’ll probably approve, but you don’t need to keep secrets from him. I know it’s hard.”

  “He wants to find out about my real mother,” I said. “About the past. But I want to work on us and joining the Academy.”

  She breathed in sharply through her teeth. “You’ve cut right to the heart of it. It’s good to do that. Really... Actually, you’re right. You should work on you first.” She folded her arms together in front of her stomach and leaned forward a little to look me in the eyes. “Yes,” she said. “Family first. However, the Academy will want to know about your past, and will tell you that you should know, too. Hiding in the dark isn’t what we do.”

  I looked at her, terrified of her answer. “The Academy will want to know?”

  She nodded. “You should know before they do,” she said. “Because you don’t want them to find out and learn something that will get you to change your mind about joining the team you’ve got, or joining the Academy altogether. They want you to be fully aware of the options you’ve got, the choices that are out there, and if this is what you really want. It’s the fight we all go through with them. We know our past so we’re sure our future is what we want.”

  A future with them was what I wanted. Couldn’t they understand? I raced for something to say for her, feeling rushed and not ready to leave when I needed someone to understand I wasn’t ready for the past. There had to be another way. Hadn’t she been listening when I told her my mother was dead, and my stepmother had accused my father of raping her? I’d talked so quickly, I couldn’t remember. She needed to understand. They all did. I didn’t want to know.

  “Talk to Mr. Blackbourne,” she said. She stood taller and headed for the door. “Tell him what you’ve told me. You want to work on your team for now. You want to deal with the past later. He might just agree with you. Eventually, though, you’ll have to face it. It might be better if your team was all on your side and you were sure about the others. First things first.”

  Terror struck through me, a sharp blade slicing tiny cuts into my heart. Mr. Blackbourne had to have known. It was why he had sought answers without asking me. The Academy would want to know, and would want me to know. He was going to find those answers for me.

  Nothing could change my mind about the team, though. Knowing Lily was here with her team, I knew it was possible. I didn’t need to know the details of her past to understand it must have been complicated. The marks on her arm, the cautious way the guys guarded her, like Gabriel and Luke guarded me, told me that they were family. Like the boys were my family. They’d been through so much, and it had bonded them.

  I was part of my team. I needed to get them on my side before my past came up to the Academy somehow.

  Before we looked at it together, and might discover some reason for me to not join. Before they found out I wasn’t good enough somehow.

  I held onto the card she gave me as she left the room and I followed.

  I wasn’t sure how I knew it, but as I walked out of that library, I knew I’d return. I had questions I needed answers to, questions I hadn’t come up with yet. The thoughts running through me were overwhelming.

  Together meant more than I’d ever imagined.

  LIFE CHANGES

  The sun was setting as Luke drove through the streets and headed back to the city.

  “You were talking to her for a long time,” Gabriel said. “What’d you all talk about?”

  How much did they know? Was I supposed to tell them what Lily told me? I thought I could at least be general. “She was helping me understand what I had to do to join the Academy.”

  “Oh,” Gabriel said. He looked at Luke. Luke shared a look back. “How much did she tell you?”

  I blinked. I’d been lost in thought from the time we left Lily’s house. I was thinking of her, of her team, of the library. Wondering how she got there, how her team managed to stay together. I was trying to figure out how I could mimic her. I hadn’t thought that the boys might have had a similar conversation with Henry, William and the others. “How much did they tell you?” I asked.

  The boys looked at each other again, sharing a silent conversation. In a snap, their heads faced the windshield, focused ahead. Gabriel folded his arms across his chest. Luke gripped the wheel. “Nothing,” they said together.

  Quiet followed. There was an intensity between them. Had the men told them something similar to what Lily told me, or something different?

  Or did they not like what they heard?

  The concept was momentous. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I understood it in a general sense, but it wasn’t reality to me. Lily and her team were together. Together together. They were okay with it. They were standing right in front of me, in their home that they shared. One girl, a handful of guys.

  While the discovery of having to figure out my past had been startling, and had thrown me off, it wasn’t until we were in the car and we were on our way back that I couldn’t stop thinking of how they were together.

  It wasn’t dissimilar to how I was around the guys when they were together. Why did it strike me as so crazy now?

  Maybe because it was in a way that I wasn’t really willing to look at fully yet. They weren’t just friends living together. They were romantically involved with each other. The men with her.

  They wanted her, and not another girl. They were willing to share.

  It went against every romance novel I’d ever read, every romantic twist in movies. Even if there was a love triangle of sorts, the heroine always ended up with one.

  This wasn’t normal.

  I glanced at Gabriel. He’d sunk down low in his seat, staring out the window, his hands deep in his pockets. He was deeply lost in his own thoughts.

  Luke drove. I saw some of his face in the mirror, but when I’d lean over to see his eyes, he would lean over the steering wheel, or shift to the side, avoiding my eyes.

  I lowered my head, too scared to say anything.

  I pulled my phone out, and realized I’d left messages from Silas, Nathan and Mr. Blackbourne unanswered. I was embarrassed then, realizing they might be worried or thinking I was ignoring them all. If they only knew…

  While Luke was driving, I sent replies to all three in order.

  Sang: Silas, miss you, too. Hanging out with Luke and Gabriel. Hope your day was okay.

  Sang: With Luke and Gabriel. Not sure where we’re headed next. I’ll ask.

  Sang: Sorry I didn’t answer before, Mr. Blackbourne. Sunday breakfasts sounds fine. Maybe we should work on a schedule like you mentioned.

  I waited for a long moment, trying to think of something else to say to him and then thought of Lily and simply came out with what she said. If I didn’t say it now, I’d hold it inside me forever. I couldn’t keep a secret from him. Not when he might be able to help me process this.

  Sang: I’ll need to talk with you about meeting Lily. We went to go see her. I’m sorry if we weren�
�t supposed to.

  Sang: She said I should tell you I met with her and her team today: four men and a woman. She wanted to help me get into the Academy and stay on your team.

  Sang: And she said we should focus on us for now, and worry about the past later.

  That seemed to be easier to say when I was saying it was Lily’s idea.

  Mr. Blackbourne was the only one to respond right away.

  Mr. Blackbourne: We’ve got a lot to talk about. Tomorrow.

  My heart was in my throat, but I agreed with him. There was a lot to talk about. Exhaustion settled into me. I put my phone away and pushed a palm to my chest. The whirlwind of emotions were making it impossible to think clearly.

  Luke stretched in his seat. “I’m going to have to go back. North’s at the diner. He needs me to take over for the evening.”

  “He needs to sleep,” I said.

  “Like I can make him do anything,” Luke said.

  “Taking her back?” Gabriel asked. “Let’s see if Nathan will let me...”

  “Can I stay with you, Gabriel?” I asked quickly. I needed him more than ever in the moment. I needed to know what he learned from the others, and thought some time together would work. I needed to process all of it before I went back to Nathan and the others. Nathan would know if I was trouble. Kota would know. How could I look them in the eyes and figure out a lie and not tell them the truth about this?

  They both turned their heads to look at me, Luke through the rearview mirror and Gabriel by turning fully in his seat.

  “Shit, at my house?” Gabriel asked.

  “Why not?” I asked.

  “Because it’s a crap hole,” he said.

  “It’s not that bad,” Luke said.

  “It’s a broke ass trailer,” Gabriel said. “And my bed is small.”

  “We offered to get you a bigger bed,” Luke said.

  “Why spend the money when I’m always at your house or Nathan’s or Victor’s? I’m going to get a new bed to sleep in maybe twice a week?”

  Luke shrugged. “Sang wants to stay with you.”

  “Ugh, fine,” Gabriel said. He sat back. “Sang, you can stay tonight. But we have to get up early for Victor when he picks us up tomorrow.”

  “I wish I could spend the night,” Luke said, pouting.

  “Next time,” Gabriel said. “I never get time with her.”

  “I never get time with her,” Luke said.

  They glanced at each other, almost a glare but something else was between them. A mutual understanding of some sort, like they were trying to get along.

  My nerves rattled through me. What had Lily’s guys told them?

  GABRIEL COLEMAN, EMBARRASSED

  We stopped at a fast food place and had dinner together. Quiet gazes and questions flashed between all of us. It was a surreal moment, to have spent the time at Lily’s. It felt like another world. We’d walked through the magical land behind the wardrobe and come back again to the real world and suddenly the real world felt different than before.

  Still, we couldn’t bring it up. I couldn’t blame them. I needed time to process. I couldn’t imagine what they were going through.

  After dinner, Luke dropped us off at Gabriel’s trailer.

  Gabriel had to unlock the door with his keys. The inside was dark, except for a light down the hall in his bedroom. We entered quietly, but from the sound of it, I didn’t think Pam was home. Unless she was dead asleep in her room, the place was too quiet.

  Gabriel went into the bedroom and flopped onto the bed. “Good,” he said. “She’s not here. Maybe she went out with her new boyfriend.”

  Maybe because she was a parent, it was hard for me to imagine Pam with someone romantically. “On a date?”

  “Something like that.” Gabriel rolled over and then sat up. “What do you want to do?”

  It was getting dark outside, and while it was still a little early, I was exhausted. Emotions within me felt tight like thin wire, ready to snap and leave me broken. I needed to sleep, to let them settle so I could look at this again with fresh eyes. “I’m tired,” I said.

  “Same here,” Gabriel said. He moved to the dresser.

  I took his place on the bed, waiting. I resisted simply curling up in it with my shoes on and passing out.

  He opened the drawers and picked through the contents. “Get dressed in here,” Gabriel said, tossing the T-shirt at me. “Just put this on. I guess I can’t yell at you for looking like shit if we’re just going to sleep anyway.”

  I started to pout. Would I look that bad just wearing his shirt?

  “Don’t start that. Fuck what I say, Sang. Jesus. Why do you even listen to me? You’d look good in a trash bag.” He pulled clothes from the drawer for himself. He slammed the drawer closed. He walked out the door, closing it behind himself and stomped off toward the bathroom.

  I pilfered through my book bag, pulling out the black underwear with the heart he’d said he liked earlier. He might not see me wearing it if I put the shirt on, but knowing he liked them warmed me up.

  Wear what they like seeing you wear. Do what they like.

  I stripped out of my clothes. I kept my bra on, slipping out of my old underwear. I was just pulling the clean underwear on my butt when I heard yelling out in the hallway.

  “Gabriel Joseph fucking Coleman,” Pam boomed loudly, and the house vibrated, the door shaking, like she was stomping or pounding on the wall. “Get out of the bathroom right now.”

  My whole body rattled. I tiptoed to the door, pressing my ear to it. Not that I needed to, but I wanted to lean against something to stop my shaking. I wanted to listen and be able to stay behind the door if Pam wanted to come in here for some reason.

  There was the rattling of a doorknob and then a door squeaked open. “Jesus, what do you...” Gabriel said.

  There was a loud smack. “What did I tell you about using the lord’s name? Now get out. I have to clean up.”

  Gabriel yelled something back at her, but she screeched louder. The door at my ear started to move and I leapt back a few feet to steer clear.

  Gabriel stomped in. “Fuck you,” he yelled at her. He turned, facing her in the hallway. Although his body blocked my view of her, I stretched my arms across my bare stomach, as if that would cover my body.

  From the other side of the trailer came another voice. “Pammy,” a male voice called. “Is that boy giving you shit?”

  My heart raced in my chest. Who else is here?

  Gabriel’s body shook, and he quickly pushed the door closed, shoving his entire body against it as if to hold it in place.

  I landed next to him against the door, putting my ear to the door again, looking up at him.

  The male voice spoke again, still distant. It was lower this time; he and Pam laughed together.

  Gabriel’s eyes caught mine.

  “Who is that?” I mouthed. I got that it was probably her boyfriend, but I was rattled. Would it be better if I did know? At this point, I wanted to crawl under the bed and hide until both Pam and the man went away.

  Gabriel shook his head. He didn’t want to tell me. He blinked repeatedly, his eyes dropping from my face, sliding over my shoulders, and down, seeming to suck up every revealed inch of my skin. “Fuck me,” he whispered.

  I knew my cheeks were heating up, but when I thought about it, Gabriel had seen me naked in the closet in my mother’s house. This was Gabriel, the one who practically dressed me every morning.

  And then I realized he was in just his boxers and the blue tank shirt on his chest and nothing else. I admired his collarbones, his wide shoulders and the lines of his body, before I blinked and forced myself to turn away and stop staring.

  This seemed to snap Gabriel’s attention back to now. His hand shot out, opening the drawer to the dresser nearby. He fished out one of the large button up shirts, unfolding it.

  “Pam,” the male shouted. “Get your ass out here.”

  I stiffened, putting my ear against
the door again, trying to listen to what was going on. I was worried Pam would come back. Maybe she didn’t know I was here. I wasn’t sure we should tell her.

  Gabriel positioned himself behind me, hovering over me and putting his own ear to the door. There was shuffling outside in the hallway, and I was worried the man or Pam might shove the door open on us, but the noise seemed to go away, out into the living room. I heard the voices again. Too low to hear what they were saying.

  As I was listening, Gabriel backed off an inch. I wasn’t thinking about it, but then felt his hand on the small of my back, sliding down and touching the hem of my underwear.

  I blushed again, looking back at him, confused. Did he want me to move?

  His eyes were on my butt. I understood then. I was wearing the heart underwear he had commented on earlier. Now my cheeks were really too hot. I hadn’t expected him to see that.

  His fingers traced the edge of the panties. “Hidden heart...” His eyes drifted up, until the deep crystal blue pools caught mine and I found myself unable to reply.

  His eyes drifted down again, stopping at my mouth. The shirt he’d pulled from the dresser dropped to the floor.

  I twisted, until my back was against the door. “Gabriel?”

  He breathed out slowly, his hands catching my wrists until they were pinned to the door. His head lowered, his eyes closed.

  His lips found mine.

  My eyes fluttered closed. The warmth of his lips sent waves through me, making me forget about Pam and the man who were outside the door. I inhaled the mix of musk and lavender; a fresh drop of cologne he’d put on.

  His kiss was hard against my lips, desperate. When I thought he was going to release me, his lips dipped in further. I moved my mouth like Silas had taught me, parting my lips, wanting to let him kiss deeper.

  His hands released my wrists and slid down to my waist and down further, grabbing my thighs leaning me hard against the door. The door wedged up against the frame, creaking. My arms wove their way around his neck until I was clinging to him, afraid to let go.